Christopher King, America's Senior Comedian: Here's another one.

My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.
Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."
http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g
"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Here's another one.

Invisible Children, a charity based in San Diego, certainly had the lash, in the form of a 30-minute video about the Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony and his Lord’s Resistance Army. The “Kony 2012” video, pitched to a 5-year-old’s sense of right and wrong, was an attempt to bring attention — and justice — to the case of Mr. Kony, whose violent paramilitary group has long been accused of using children as soldiers.

“Kony 2012” went viral last week and, helped by Twitter messages and endorsements by celebrities like Oprah Winfrey and Mia Farrow, had exceeded 71 million views on YouTube by Sunday afternoon.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/12/business/media/kony-2012-video-illustrates-the-power-of-simplicity.html

I read the New York Times not so that I may know what is real, but so that I may know what is not real. The New York Times does not give the slightest coverage to anything that threatens the system of which it is a propaganda organ. This is a good rule of thumb.

I'll sometimes "check out." I'll go a couple of weeks without listening to the radio, or watching the "news." This practice allows me to decouple from the collective insanity which has gripped this nation. This cooling off period refreshes my critical thinking skills.

So I come back from my cultural exile the other day and I see that there is a new streetcorner con going on called KONY 2012. Everyone's all up in arms about something, and everyone's mixed themselves up a new batch of Kool Aid. I said to myself, "Alright. What are these idiots falling for now? Hm? What's the new con in town?"

I gave the issue a cursory ten minutes of my time before coming up with my provisional determination, which I will predict is at least 90% correct:

"Invisible children is a UN-sponsored non-governmental organization. Their job is to get everyone all stirred up about the latest bad man so that there will be 'grassroots' support for United States military intervention in Africa, where there's all sorts of oil and gold and rare earth elements and everything. The purpose of the KONY 2012 video was to provide the perceived moral authority for AFRICOM to secure these riches for their banker masters."

Print it out, save it, refer to it in a year. See if I'm right.

I guarantee you that the bankers who run this world couldn't give a shit less about some dead 'niggers' in Africa. They regard them as useless eaters.

You people need to wisen up.