My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I am strong, strong like bull. I am Vermont Strong.

That is a sentiment that Vermonters emblazon on whatever marketing material like ornamental license plates and bumper stickers and handbags or whatever all else. "Vermont Strong" is the latest advertising campaign devised by the State of Vermont so that all may be duly informed of our inherent strength.

So since I'm told that I am, by definition, strong, I will provide additional details on precisely why the State of Vermont will exit my legal universe.

I now own a 1996 Volvo 850 turbo wagon, red in color. It hauls ass. I have the bill of sale.

I have every legal right to conduct that car along the public thoroughfares without a registration plate or with a United Sovereigns of America registration plate. Because I work closely with wealthy people in this tony little town, doing handyman work and cleaning their homes and things like that, I do not wish to seem "kooky." It's a sad state of affairs when standing on your rights is considered kooky. It does not bode well for the future of this dead nation.

So I do not wish to attach a USov plate to my car, I do not wish to commit fraud by representing myself to the State of Vermont to be capable of purchasing insurance at the time of my applying for a vehicle registration, thus securing a plate by that means, and I do not wish to drive around with no plate at all.

Do you see the difficult situation? My goals are two: I want to avoid harassment by the state, and also I don't want to seem kooky in this appearances-sensitive town. To appear kooky to the townspeople would mean that I could not earn a living. I would starve to death.

The best good-faith compromise I can come up with is to attach to this Volvo an old registration plate, FFN 650, registered with a previous car of mine, a Saturn Vue. In no way am I attempting to commit fraud, and in no way is that act to indicate that the Volvo is, or is to be, registered with the State of Vermont.

The sole purpose of attaching a single, rear-mounted plate, FFN 650, to that Volvo is to act as a placeholder so that the car does not get pulled over for having no plate at all. I will continue that practice until the wheels of the legal system of the State of Vermont have turned to recognize that no natural person requires a registration plate in the exercise of his natural right to travel in the pursuit of his private business.

That is the one and only goal of attaching FFN 650 to that car.

Also: Any driver's license accepted by me, issued by any jurisdiction, was accepted by me  under the fraudulent representation of it as being necessary by the issuing jurisdiction. Now that I understand that I had been defrauded by those jurisdictions, including the State of Vermont, any such contract with those jurisdictions is null and void. I never had a State of Vermont driver's license, and a non-existent license cannot possibly be suspended.

As an addendum to my previous argument that I do not require a driver's license is my countering of the expected counter argument that the state is obligated to protect public safety and that is why driver's licenses are necessary. Here is my argument: I have never, in my entire lifetime, known anyone to have their license suspended or revoked because of technical incompetence. I am sure it happens, but I'm simply stating that I have never witnessed it. I have, however, witnessed any number of suspensions for failure to pay child support, for truancy, and for driving off without paying for gas at a gas station. So I don't want to hear any nonsense about how we have to ensure public safety. Even if the licensure was originally defended on the basis of ensuring technical competence, the driver's license has morphed into an instrument of coercion, plain and simple. It has nothing to do with public safety, and my debate partners embarrass themselves by claiming that it does.

Further, you will thank me for my efforts later. As I can see past the nose on my own face, I will tell you that in the future, all cars will be computer controlled and computer operated, just like these Google cars. In that future, all occupants of that car will require a travel license. Should a person ever fall out of favor with the political establishment, small people within that establishment will simply deactivate his travel license and the Google car will not start. It's like the executive branch's no-fly list. In the future, there will be a no-drive list. I am throwing a monkey wrench into that scheme.

I do not require any man's permission to travel.

Wolfteam, I fully expect to be harassed further. Please legally notify the State of Vermont that harassment will not be tolerated and will be met with lawsuits that will make their heads spin. I will sue agents of the state individually and I will take their homes from them if the harassment continues.

Everyone is to respect my property rights. I am Vermont Strong. Now get off my property.