My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Madame Prosecutor, I have business with you. Why don't you come right up here on stage.

You sit right on this stool I've set up for special guests like you.

I recall during one of our meetings in court --I think it was the last one-- where you proceeded to use my words against me. I do not remember the utterance in question, though at the time I was quite familiar with it and could quote it from memory. I am, after all, a professional writer and I have an encyclopedic command of my own intellectual property.

The utterance in question contained three clauses, Sentence A, Sentence B, and Sentence C, each following its immediate predecessor with no gaps between them.

In writing, context is everything. Divorced from their proper context, words have no meaning whatsoever, nor would you argue that they do.

In your employment of my words, you excised completely Clause B, the qualifying clause whose removal made the meaning of the remaining two clauses nebulous and quite open to mischaracterization.

Your recitation of my words went precisely like this: "Mister King says on his blog," and then you recited Clause A, which was quite accurate. You then said, "He then continues by saying," and you recited Clause C, quite studiously omitting from your representation of my speech the sentence joining the two, whose inclusion would have changed the meaning of the other two clauses completely. Were you just being efficient, perhaps? No, because the number of breaths required to speak Clause B did not exceed the number of breaths expended on your own joining clause "He then continues..."

Madame Prosecutor, in any speech crime, which is the only kind of crime I would ever be accused of, and where speech is the only available evidence, the willful, knowing removal of exculpatory, joining clauses is precisely equivalent to the fabrication of evidence.

You stood there, Madame Prosecutor, and you willfully delivered what you knew to be an inaccurate representation of my speech, the precise equivalent of fabricating evidence.

You, in your brazen presentation of fabricated evidence, displayed a contempt for that court unrivaled by any save the Public Defenders Office, who are quite content to field attorneys incapable even of calculating a sentencing guideline, attorneys who dismiss out of hand as the ravings of a madman things that are arguably germane to their client's defense.

Standing there in court was a surreal experience. It was a front row seat to amateur hour. It was like watching children play in the special room at the fast food restaurant where the children slide down the slide and giggle their way through the sea of plastic balls.

The United States District Court of Vermont is the McDonaldland Play Place of courts, apparently. I'm surprised there's no foosball table.

You are content to disrespect that court, the Public Defenders Office is content to disrespect that court, and the judge is apparently content to disrespect it by permitting this behavior.

We have witnessed a spectacular decline in standards in this country over the past ten years.

Henceforth, all legal discussions take place here in my theater. And not a single lawyer in my audience, including you and the judge, could argue against this change of venue.

History requires a higher standard, that's all.

You may go.