My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I'm pretty sure it's all over when truckers and longshoremen and whoever all else have got you in their sights.

Twitter has suspended the account belonging to ‘Truckers for the Constitution’, a group that has received national media attention over its plan to roadblock traffic in DC and arrest members of Congress later this week.

Although the event, scheduled for Friday, has been public for around a week, it went viral this morning after being covered in a lengthy piece by U.S. News & World Report which was also linked on the Drudge Report.

“We are not going to ask for impeachment,” the group’s organizer Earl Conlon said. “We are coming whether they like it or not. We’re not asking for impeachment, we’re asking for the arrest of everyone in government who has violated their oath of office.”

Prison Planet.com » Twitter Shuts Down ‘Truckers for the Constitution’

Our fat, useless parasite class of tough-guy government employees will be completely psychologically broken when the first one or two of them get arrested by citizens tribunals.

There will come a day when politicians and judges and cops will be the most reviled, spat-upon underclass. They'll comprise an untouchable caste of pure human filth.

"Well lookee here," says the man to his buddies as some fat-assed "law" "enforcement" "professional" waddles his overfed ass down the street. He's gonna save the day.

So the guys surround him like they're about to steal his lunch money. They circle him and lightly slap his face like he's a little bitch. "Whatcha gonna do about it? Huh? Gonna call your useless partners in uselessness?" And they pull out his earpiece. They take his radio from him and fuck with the knobs and smash it on the sidewalk.

"Dance for us, Officer Useless."

"I-- You, you're under arrest."

And our longshoremen all bust out laughing as this government employee idiot somehow thinks that he's in charge.

"We said 'dance.' "

"Puh, please don't make me."

"Dance America's new favorite dance." And one of them taps the back of our civil servant's legs with the birch seal. "You know which one, the Teapot Dance."

So the useless government employee, having had an entire twelve years to catch the bad men, fattening himself up at the public feedlot all the while, occupying his time by filming you fuck your wife in the name of safety, begins to blubber like the weakling that he is, and he starts his little jig.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. ...I, I don't want to. Please don't make me."

"Do it! Start from the top, dipshit. Earn that pension of yours!"

So our model of uselessness wipes his nose and begins his shuffling and hopping little jig, right there on the sidewalk for all to enjoy:

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout." Sniff. "When the terriss come I fret and pout." Shuffle, hop. "So instead I'll sniff your asshole, that's what I'll do. I'm completely fuckin' useless, boo hoo hoo."