So I think that United States law enforcement should begin all their investigations by slipping the subject a thorazine capsule. It's the single biggest advance in the law enforcement sciences in a century. It's like the discovery of fingerprints or something.
"Okay, everyone? Let's get this Wednesday afternoon training session underway.
"As you know, we here in the law enforcement guild owe Chris a debt of gratitude. He's like our own cute and cuddly Rain Man superdetective with a potty mouth.
"Our skunkworks department have developed our latest tool in the law enforcement arts, an advance accidentally invented by Chris in one of his stand-up routines. Jim, would you do the honors?"
And then Jim, our surmised lab technician, dressed in his lab coat, emerges from the wings and rolls out a stainless steel cart. Jim straightens up, smooths his coat, nods sharply, and repairs once again to his unseen skunkworks habitat.
Upon the stainless steel cart sits a small brushed aluminum box, like some sort of secret agent attache, the box softly pulsating with a bluish glow emanating from expensive, inlaid light-emitting diodes and similar technology as would befit such an advance.
"Here it is, folks. This is the investigative tool to end them all. I hope you're ready." He takes the key from around his neck and unlocks the box. It's a thorazine pill!!!
"That's right, everybody! When we're not off informing the townspeople that we're investigating him, and when we're not clomping into his house like it's some sort of a bus station, from now on we're going to investigate Chris by 'slipping him a mickey,' so to speak. We'll have a fighting chance!
"Let's say that Chris is minding his own business, eating at some open air bistro somewhere. All we have to do is dress up like a tourist in sandals and black socks, with a camera around our neck. See? It means 'I'm a tourist!' And then we sidle up to him and scream and point down the street and say, 'Oh my God! Space aliens are here!'
"And then Chris will turn to see the space aliens and scrunch up his nose to try to see them but there won't be any there! 'Cause it's a ruse! But it doesn't matter!!! We already crumbled up the thorazine capsule when he turned to see the starship and we mixed it around in his shepherd's pie, which is his favorite dish, lucky for us because it looks all mixed up anyway! He won't notice a thing!
"And then Chris will spend his days shuffling and lurching his way down the street! He'll drool all day long! He'll finally be ripe for investigating by United States law enforcement!"
