Christopher King, America's Senior Comedian: One of the reasons why I wipe my ass with all United States law is because the legislature has no respect for itself.

My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

-------------------------

This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.
Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."
http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g
"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

------------------------------------------

Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

One of the reasons why I wipe my ass with all United States law is because the legislature has no respect for itself.

Polls say Americans are concerned about National Security Agency surveillance. According to a progressive group's survey, many want to see a top intelligence official punished for giving Congress inaccurate answers about the NSA's efforts.

An internal NSA audit, released Thursday by The Washington Post, found that the agency has violated privacy rules thousands of times every year since 2008. But even before those revelations, a majority of voters in five state-level polls said that James Clapper, the director of national intelligence, should be prosecuted for giving Congress a "clearly erroneous" answer about NSA surveillance.

Prosecute James Clapper, Voters In Five State Polls Say

Clapper's mistake was in showing up at all. If, for whatever reason, I were to be called to testify before Congress, I would not condescend to appear before that body.

It routinely permits perjury, it permits the arrogation of its powers by other branches, and it permits Pentagon brass to boldly state that the United States military derives from NATO its authority to operate. (My immediate answer would have been "well, then I suggest that you appeal to NATO for next year's funding. What you appear to have forgotten, General, in your delirium of a forty-year string of spectacular military failures, is that the House of Representatives has the power to convert you into a harmless and obedient mall security detachment, complete with a couple of rusting frigates and a few broken-down halftracks. So remember who calls the shots around here, little man.")

I ignore all United States law for so many reasons, perhaps principal among them that the body has no respect for itself. It's a doormat.

So I suggest that that assembly reacquaint itself with the Constitution, wherein they will learn that they call all the shots around here. That body needs to put the fear of God into that errant, wayward little branch called the executive.

You pull that branch's pants down right in the middle of this store and you administer a good spanking right here in front of everyone or you stop embarrassing yourselves by proffering what no rational, decent person would ever countenance as a "law."

-----

[Can you imagine the tongue lashings I could deliver if I were on some Congressional committee? I would positively delight in righteously reducing to tears those who so richly deserve it. There is no greater pleasure in this world.]