My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Mister Snowden?

I see that the United States "government" is causing you trouble, what with making you stateless and all.

If all else fails, you are welcome to invoke the protection of my legal principality, United Sovereigns of America. Hidden among a decade's worth of ding dong jokes and armpit fart noises, I've been constructing under their noses a legally rigorous political structure which possesses the tools of terminating United States. Your finer lawyers will confirm that United States has lost jurisdiction over me and all future members of USov.

If you desire the protection of the young buck of jurisdictions, a jurisdiction possessing orders of magnitude greater moral authority to speak on legal matters than United States, then all you have to do is invoke the name.

United Sovereigns of America is a wild card, the turning up of which calls into being a sequence of events that causes the United States Government to die. It will not survive a contest with USov. It's why I don't exist, except when it comes time to arrest me or to threaten to indict me for quoting myself.

Trust me, that idiot jurisdiction won't know whether to shit or go blind.

You have a few options. Let's start with the nuclear option. If you publicly state "I desire the protection of United Sovereigns of America," you will deal that jurisdiction a blow that will ultimately result in its death.

Option Two is to jangle my jurisdiction killer in its ugly face. Privately communicate to that jurisdiction that if they do not reinstate your passport, that you will publicly invoke the protection of United Sovereigns of America.

A third option is to privately communicate to host nations that you travel under the protection of United Sovereigns of America, should they wish to accede to the requests for safe passage lodged by that jurisdiction.

Any option is okay with USov. My situation is reasonably secure.

So if that idiot jurisdiction inconveniences you further, just kill it.

The honor of pulling the pin is all yours. Thank you for your efforts in the service of truth.

P.S. I should note that you will possess maximum moral authority if any invocation occurs on July 4th, when Americans customarily congratulate themselves for their bravery, freedom, and commitment to human rights.

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