My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

"Dear Mrs. Hax"

As you may know, I steal into Mrs. Hax's cubicle after hours and paw through the letters of those who seek her relationship wisdom. I stuff a few of them into my coat pocket and leave.
Dear Mrs. Hax,
I have a happy marriage to a great guy with two fantastic kids. I am also having an affair with a man who I have fallen in love with. I really don’t know what to do.
I am stressed out by the crushing guilt that I feel for cheating on and betraying my husband and fear that my actions could lead to the breakup of our happy family. But I just feel like I cannot end the affair. I really love this other person, and I feel caught in a terrible situation that is 100 percent my fault.
I don’t want to leave my husband for the other man, but I know the current situation likely can’t last forever. I am lost and confused as to how I ended up in this situation. Should I seek counseling? Would it do any good given my rock-and-a-hard-place situation? Please help, I can’t talk to anyone about this, and I feel like I’m going to explode!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/she-says-she-has-a-happy-marriage-but-shes-having-an-affair/2012/08/03/0df9a5fe-d0fa-11e1-a2ec-7d5ab0136ccb_story.html?hpid=z7

Hi, whore.

We at the Hax Files are operating under emergency "truth in advertising protocols." That's where we call a spade a spade. Your name is whore because you're a whore. It's like calling a can opener a can opener. Whoever came up with that name said, "Hmm... What shall I call this? Well, it opens cans, therefore I will call it a can opener. See how easy it is?"

I see in your letter that you magically don't know how you got in this situation, as if it was just something that happened to you, like being hit by a micrometeorite from space that knocks your glasses off.

No, you are conducting yourself like a whore because you made the decision to be a whore. There is nothing so grand in your predicament that would rise to the level of being in a "rock and a hard place" situation. It is supremely easy to extricate yourself from this seemingly intractable dilemma: Stop whoring around.

You already have a family. And though you don't mention it, I'm sure this other man has a family too. You are subordinating the happiness of any number of innocents to your own happiness. You are the most selfish person who ever walked the earth.

I suggest to you that you figure it out. You either make your marriage work and leave sane humanity out of your private kook struggles, or you divorce your husband and make yourself available for proper courtship and dating.

Do not contact us ever again until you have learned not to be a whore.

Whore.
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