My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Telling the truth is always going to be a labor of love.

Parker and dumber news
By Rachel Manteuffel
Kathleen Parker’s column today traces the way the news and its audience have increasingly dumbed down for one another until we’re all dumber and have more dumb things to say but less time to say them. She proposes a solution: teaching news literacy in schools. If students are forced to evaluate the dumbness of their news sources, they will seek out less dumb news sources and thus become themselves less dumb, and they will make less dumb news consumer choices.
By dumb, Parker means increasingly partisan — not thoughtful and illuminating so much as argumentative, designed to appeal to prejudices we already have. PostScript thinks it’s a business model problem — a 24-hour cable news channel works best when it is not dependent on the actual news but rather a steady supply of people who will say things whether or not there is news. Also, studies have shown that viewers want to be right more than they want to be educated, especially if the education contradicts our current thinking. Again, the safer business model is pandering, which makes us dumber.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/post/parker-and-dumber-news/2012/07/18/gJQAqRW5tW_blog.html

You'll never get rich telling the truth. And if you get rich, you may rest assured that you are not telling that truth. You've instead jumped the tracks somewhere along the way, and you've somehow convinced yourself that accurately reporting upon the minutiae of narratives counts for a brave uncovering of the truth.

If your newspaper is in the black, it is because you are not telling the truth.

If you do not receive red-colored letters in the mail from the power company, the lights in your TV studio are not illuminating truth tellers.

If you have an esteemed, front row seat at White House press briefings, you are not telling the truth.

This world is awash in lies. It takes an entire lifetime to learn how to spot the truth. You want a good rule of thumb about how to identify those who are on to the truth? Are their lights on? Can they pay the bills? Have they got a well appointed boardroom in a shiny, new office building?

Satan pays his own way in this world. I mean to say that if someone or something were to wish to manipulate humanity, he would immediately insinuate himself into the medium of their economic exchange. He would immediately multiply his force by going into central banking. Again, if you control currency, you control activity. If you control activity, you control actors. Satan pays his way by issuing his own currency and rewarding those who either consciously assist him or those who acquiesce to his designs.

And if you're not with the program, guess what?

Satan may turn out to be something so mundane as simply the darker side of human nature, a force that we have chosen to personify by adding a face to it.

Probably not, though.

If people value money above all else, and if Satan were to immediately target the monetary system so that he may provide that money, then we guarantee the inexorable destruction of everything good in this world. Why do we have people shoving bananas up their own asses in torture chambers? The love of money.

Why do we not care that our loved ones spent their final moments scrabbling at the walls and screaming as they got cooked alive in a yawn-inducing urban renewal project? The love of money.

Truth doesn't sell. It's why I shit in a bucket. It's why decent newspapers go bankrupt.

I don't actually have to prove anything. I wouldn't ever have to provide a single footnote, or document a fact, or cite my sources. All I'd have to do to prove my credibility is to point at my shit bucket. "Satan pays his own way in this world and as you can see, I'm not down with the program. And that's fine by me."

If you value money above all else, you become actively complicit in the spread of darkness in this world.


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