My Video Intro
What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.
This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.
Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)
Thank you for coming.
--Chris
Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6
Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146
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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:
There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.
Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."
"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"
End of product safety sticker.
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Buy your ticket to my show!
Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6
Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I didn't bother checking the cashbox at the ticket booth, Agent Saunders.
I thrive on trouble. I've always existed in some state of unrealized, uncoalesced catastrophe, I moving confidently through some gathering, amorphous cloud of destruction to emerge unscathed.
When I was in the Navy I routinely disobeyed orders. I did what I felt like doing at all times. The best my superiors could do was to resign themselves to the wisdom of my course and to claim me as their own. It's why I got so many medals.
Let me ask you a question. You can't buy your ticket because it is, at best, unseemly, and, at worst, illegal, to buy a ticket to the show of a man who is under investigation. Is that the sticking point here?
But if I were doing only armpit fart noises, I wouldn't merit investigating, right? And I wouldn't be the subject of all the gordian knots of extra-special, secret kook law? And then it would be okay to buy a ticket, right?
So here's a follow-up: My material is considered "significant" or "edgy" because it's never been performed before, right? It's something new that warrants investigating?
But why is it new? Why is it significant and edgy?
It's edgy because no one else has covered it. No one before me has wrestled it to the ground.
I don't understand: Why is a comedian covering your guild's material? See, I seem to recall that you and your cop buddies took an oath of office wherein you pledged to defend fundamental law against all enemies, foreign and domestic. This does not mean that you pledged to act lawfully and to defend fundamental law with respect only to the items in your in-box. That's easy. Any coward can do that. It means that you pledged to defend fundamental law wherever you may see that law broken. It means that you place things into your in-box that belong there and that you refer to your oath of office to legally defend that placing of those things into your in-box.
But that makes for trouble, doesn't it? You'll get dirty looks and you probably won't get a promotion.
So let me ask you a question. If you and your guild had fulfilled your oaths of office, and had this mess in Washington been cleaned up five or eight years ago, I would not be regarded as edgy and, thus, it would be okay for you to buy your ticket, right?
I don't understand. How does your uselessness translate into cause to deny me my ticket receipts?
Purchase your ticket. Your guild's uselessness in no way impacts my revenue model.