My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

New Bush-Era Torture Memo Released, Raises Questions About What Has Changed And What Hasn't

WASHINGTON -- A six-year-old memo from within the George W. Bush administration that came to light this week acknowledges that White House-approved interrogation techniques amounted to "war crimes." The memo's release has called attention to what has changed since President Barack Obama took office, but it also raises questions about what hasn't.
The Bush White House tried to destroy every copy of the memo, written by then-State Department counselor Philip Zelikow. Zelikow examined tactics like waterboarding -- which simulates drowning -- and concluded that there was no way they were legal, domestically or internationally.
...
"We didn't worry so much about that because the Bush Administration was seen as an outlier and an aberration, and the Bush precedent wouldn't have been seen as weighty," Jaffer said. By contrast, "It's not at all difficult to imagine [future presidents] citing President Obama in their defense of carrying out more targeted killings of American citizens."
"Now we're making many of these emergency powers permanent ... and bipartisan. We're enshrining these things into our permanent law."
...
Where does that leave us? "I wouldn't call us an outlaw nation," Blanton said, "but I don't think we've come to terms with our gang period."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/06/torture-memo-bush_n_1408612.html

The band of criminals who've taken up residence in key United States offices are not to be feared. They are to be ridiculed as the incompetent goofs that they are, like those who get the Stupidest Criminal award --some idiot, maybe, who holds up a bank by writing his demand on his own deposit slip.

What these criminals in Washington didn't consider is that their prize --the entire machinery of the United States government, to be used as they saw fit-- becomes useless the further it veers from recognizable lawful government.

I'm no lawyer, but even my layman's understanding of the discipline is that law is built upon reason and the promotion of upright human behavior. Deep in a law book somewhere must be the dusty, long-ignored maxim that if a law makes you physically ill, no reasonable person can be expected to follow it. It shocks the conscience. It would be like passing a law to compel people to commit murder.

And what with the provisions of the NDAA, whereby the unwashed hired help in Washington have reserved to themselves the authority to kidnap and execute anyone, anywhere, for any reason, the entire jurisdiction now is repugnant to even the slimmest sense of human decency. The jurisdiction itself now shocks the conscience. These criminals are so morally deficient and so arrogant that they forgot about the existence of non-deranged people, and they forgot about that maxim of law.

The jurisdiction went bye-bye, winking out of existence --bink!-- right into a black hole of nothingness, a legalistic matter/anti-matter collision of its own making. These criminals actually caused their prize to cease to exist in law by permitting entry-level legal technicians like Jay Bybee and Alberto Gonzales to hazard to speak on matters.

As I said, no human follows a United States law. The association would prove a stain on any decent person's character. You don't consort with hookers and thieves and murderers, do you? You can't legalize tyranny. And I defy any lawyer in my audience to come on up on stage and explain to us all why any human should feel morally obligated to recognize that DISEASE which fancies itself a jurisdiction.

When I am done with that malfunctioning mess, they'll be hard pressed to pull a wire tap. All such requests will have to come before a panel of three --a judge, a housewife, and an ex-con. If any of them say no, that's the end of it. And it won't much matter because our nation's finest likely would never get the right guys anyway. They'd spend an entire decade chasing after the Haqqani Network, and White Al Qaeda, and the Astro Genital Brigade and their ion-propelled gunships from crystal cities on Venus.

Should the Director of the FBI protest upon learning of the new, three-person panel to which all surveillance requests must be submitted, I, as the Chairman of the Something Committee, would reply, "You'd never get the right guys anyway, so what difference does it make?"

Can a single law enforcement professional in my audience argue otherwise?

Of course not.

From moral authority flows political authority. And from political authority flows legal authority. You know your jurisdiction has hit rock bottom when not a single United States employee in my audience can argue with a straight face that the jurisdiction any longer possesses the moral propulsive force to utter even a single word. It has succumbed to legal emphysema, essentially.

The commandment to the speaking of law is the breath of life into a jurisdiction. United States now stands mute before humanity. Ergo, the jurisdiction has died.

I yield the balance of my time for any rebuttal.