My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Friday, March 30, 2012

There is an interesting analogue between Japan and the United States.

They're both dead nations.

In Japan's case, Tokyo is now uninhabitable by children and women of child bearing age. And this is all even before the damaged Reactor Number Four building collapses --which it will-- and all those five thousand spent fuel rods sit on the ground, boiling and cooking, and undergo prompt criticalities and spew atomized plutonium all over the island of Honshu.

(I'm  pretty sure this world is turned off from the whole nuclear power thing. It is a filthy, dangerous enterprise. Someone once said that nuclear power plants are cancer factories that also boil water. I'll say that nuclear power is like combing your hair with a handgun. It may work great, but you only get one mistake.)

Japan is no longer a nation state. I don't mean at this instant, but it's a done deal --so you may as well talk about it as if it had already occurred, much like if you see a distracted driver on the highway headed toward a bridge abutment at seventy miles an hour. "He's dead." He may not be dead at that very instant, but he's dead.

You don't relocate some twenty percent of your national population in Tokyo and uproot the national government and the corporate offices of many of your industries and retain the character of a nation. The center will not hold. Japan will become something other than a unified nation.

You don't cook up people in a run-of-the-mill urban renewal project and then use that as a pretext to sniff people's assholes and eavesdrop on their communications and suck on granma's luscious little raisin titties and act like animals at every opportunity and make any person aspiring to even the barest modicum of decency barf at the sight of you and still retain the character of a nation. When your jurisdiction actually elicits a physical, involuntary retching response in any who may accidentally gaze upon you, the jurisdiction is dead. The center will not hold. The United States will become something other than a unified nation.

In Japan, those who are concerned about the health effects of radiation are now classified as mentally ill.

Despite the fact that the Japanese government and TEPCO were caught red-handed underplaying the severity of the Fukushima nuclear crisis, a study has found that almost a quarter of Fukushima residents hospitalized in the aftermath of last year’s devastating earthquake and tsunami were treated as having a “psychiatric disorder” because of their concerns over radiation.

http://www.infowars.com/fear-of-radiation-treated-as-psychiatric-disorder-in-fukushima/

Do you see? If you don't occupy a position at the apex of that bell curve, right in the middle of that lukewarm mass of public opinion, it's only because you're insane. You simply must be insane, because if you're not insane, then you're right. And if you're right, then society is screwed. Obviously, then, you're going to be judged insane.

All sane people are in complete accord on all matters. This is axiomatic. What are you, some sort of subversive?

Allow me to do what I do best and make this about me. It is simply mind boggling to me that someone whose lifetime exposure to the mental health system had been a whopping 2.75 hours --two of which were spent performing an intelligence test at the office of an autism specialist, the pretty girl administering the test perking up mid-way to primp her hair and smooth her blouse and begin touching herself down there as she fantasized what good baby me probably can make-- it is mind boggling to me that simply stating the facts around here is considered mental illness.

I recall that the Justice Department represented me as some sort of madman with "non-bizarre delusions." They unsuccessfully lobbied the court to transfer me to some mental hospital for two months for a psychiatric evaluation. Then apparently someone in Washington slid a piece of paper across the judge's desk, after which everyone's demeanor magically changed. Thereafter, everyone from the prosecutor to the Secret Service then regarded me not as a psychiatric curiosity but with a sort of stunned "Who are you? What are you?"

"I'm not the Second Coming of Christ fer chrissake. I'm just a guy who lazily points out the obvious. You people need to get with it."

Most societies are functionally insane. They're like a functional illiterate or a functional drug addict. They have structural limitations, but they manage to muddle through well enough.

Societies institutionalize their non-bizarre delusions. If you do not embrace these myths, it is because you are insane. The Japanese have the non-bizarre delusion that they're going to prosper amidst all that radiation. It's a kooky idea.

Americans have the non-bizarre delusion that they're Number One, all this despite having been conquered and their government overthrown. It's a kooky idea.

I continue to undergo therapy with my witch doctor, a man who is a competent professional. I was mandated by the court to seek therapy. I think everyone's just checking off the boxes on their paperwork.

The requirement is that I undergo any necessary therapy, the necessity for doing so obviously to be determined by the professional administering such therapy. My witch doctor and I have agreed that there is no compelling reason to continue. At any time I could look at my watch and say, "Well, this has been fun for the past year but completely useless. Unless there is some compelling need for me to be here, type up your paper and let's wrap this up." And he has indicated that he would do so. And at that time, my probation officer could then staple his papers and put them into a file folder and shut the file cabinet. All done.

But I elect to continue with the therapy. I said, "I have three objectives here. One is to get you a hundred bucks in free government money every week. Two is to help my probation officer fill out his papers. But three, the most important here, is something for me: I want to go out on dates."

Mm hm: After all the hullaballoo, and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth, and the histories of mental problems and the non-bizarre delusions of how your nation is now dead, my one and only addressable malfunction is an underdeveloped set of dating skills.

The highest and best use, apparently, of this nation's formidable psychiatric machinery, the Saturn V of American psychiatric prowess, is to get Chris King a date. Feel special now?

I told my witch doctor, "You know, seeking therapy in America is ultimately useless." It is the seeking of mental health from insane people, from those who subscribe to institutionalized non-bizarre delusions. "Let us say, doctor, that I were to visit a therapist and say, 'I wish to purchase your therapeutic services. I was disfigured in a fire and I want to learn how to get comfortable around fires so that I can go to family barbecues again.' Most therapists in America would say, 'Oh, there was no fire.' "

It is ultimately impossible to receive therapy from an insane culture. "I wish to purchase your therapeutic services for the purpose of learning how to date. I had bad skills to begin with, what with this recently discovered Asperger's Syndrome, and now it's only worse because my brain's been steeping in fight-or-flight hormones for six years; I had to sleep with a shotgun by the bed, waiting for goons to kick in the door; people were coming into my house like it was some sort of a bus station; and I've sequestered myself for so many years now that I no longer have a social network --all because the nation was conquered."

And your average American therapist would say, "Oh, that didn't happen."

You see that it is theoretically impossible to receive therapy from someone who denies the context.

I think this should be America's new motto, perhaps stitched onto the flag:

Oh, that didn't happen.

That is also Japan's new motto.

So if you want to know what will happen to America, you watch what happens to Japan. The two nations will mirror each other quite closely. Japan is just a little closer to the bridge abutment.