My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Friday, March 23, 2012

It's because the jurisdiction auto-executed itself. The undertaker has arrived to remove the body.

After our story on the Rise of the Prepper, we have been inundated with emails from readers telling us how hard it’s becoming for them to obtain certain types of ammo. We also had a reader send us a press release this morning from Ruger.
Effective Immediately Ruger has stopped accepting Firearms Orders. The Company says that they have had to temporarily suspend the acceptance of new orders after receiving requests for more than one million units.
Here is the Official Statement form Ruger:
SOUTHPORT, CT –Sturm, Ruger & Company, Inc. (NYSE-RGR), announced today that for the first quarter 2012, the Company has received orders for more than one million units. Therefore, the Company has temporarily suspended the acceptance of new orders.
Chief Executive Officer Michael O. Fifer made the following comments:
The Company’s Retailer Programs that were offered from January 1, 2012 through February 29, 2012 were very successful and generated significant orders from retailers to independent wholesale distributors for Ruger firearms.
Year-to-date, the independent wholesale distributors placed orders with the Company for more than one million Ruger firearms.
Despite the Company’s continuing successful efforts to increase production rates, the incoming order rate exceeds our capacity to rapidly fulfill these orders. Consequently, the Company has temporarily suspended the acceptance of new orders.
The Company expects to resume the normal acceptance of orders by the end of May 2012.

http://offgridsurvival.com/rugerstopsacceptinggunorders/

In my nine years now of doing stand-up, I've learned how to safely couch my thoughts in cunt talk. (Again, I apologize for the potty language, but there simply is no other way to accurately describe the pure filth that pours from the mouths of lawyers, those who cause decay in their environments merely by existing, who can pull an illegality out of a hat and call it lawful. "Ta da! Behold the fruits of my cunt talk! I've made legal that which is manifestly unlawful!"

So a comedian's version of cunt talk is to portray his thoughts as a vision, the kind you get when you roll your eyes back in your head and flop around on the floor. It's something that happens to you, like an epileptic seizure. See? It's not your fault. It's a medical condition.

So in my psychic vision --which, obviously, cannot be my fault since it happened to me-- I see... the people forming their duly constituted mutual defense associations and escorting, under force of arms, completely useless local, state, and federal "law" enforcement agents off the premises if they hitch up their pants and waddle onto the property to declare whatever idiocy.

To some degree, I am quite protective of my law enforcement audience, as I would be toward a Down Syndrome child of mine, coaching him on how to swing at a pitch in a Little League game, kneeling down beside him and showing him how to hold the bat. "Okay, here it comes, Jimmy. When the ball comes, swing!"

And he just looks at it, a perfect strike.

"Alright, Jimmy. That was a strike. That's bad. If another one comes that you think you can hit, swing. Okay?"

And he just looks at it. Strike number two.

"You got to swing, Jimmy. If you just stand there and look at it, that'll be strike three and you're out. That means you can't play anymore."

So I've been coaching my law enforcement audience for years now about how to put their badges and their guns to good use and how to earn their paychecks before their employer gets wiped and their pensions go bye-bye, up into hyperspace, never to be seen again.

Let's think it through, okay, Jimmy? There is a built-in, one-hundred-million-man, armed-to-the-teeth, lawful constabulary called the unorganized militia. Their job is to enforce the law that their forebears pronounced, fundamental law, and to prevent any assertions of jurisdiction that do not comport with that law. When the pitch comes, swing, okay? You have one more chance to place matters into your inbox and to kick in doors and start arresting people under the aegis of your own task forces. If you just stand there and not swing, you will be out. And if you then refuse to leave the plate, that one-hundred-million-man constabulary will escort you off the field. And really, Jimmy, do you think that you and your fellow models of uselessness stand any chance against them? Come now.