My Video Intro

What follow are to be considered transcriptions of spoken word pieces that I would have delivered in a physical theater. You will also find video and audio pieces here.

This show has been roughed out years in advance, and material delivered as its time approached. There is an arc to this show. For that reason, posts --that is, pieces-- should be read in order, from older to newer. So if you've been absent for a bit, scroll all the way down and read upward.

Please remember that this is not a free show. This is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian who bet the farm on making this a going concern. Just because it is possible to steal my property does not mean that you may. If you go to the farmer's market and the man is away from his table, you are nonetheless obligated to put your money into the shoebox labeled "Put money here." My personal friends are exempted from buying their tickets, as well as those who may not be able to afford to buy a ticket. Everyone else is morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket if they partake of even, say, a dozen pieces of mine per year. Duck outside my theater for a cigarette as often as you like, but you didn't get in here in the first place without buying your ticket at the box office. The cost is $100 per person, per year. There is no law enforcement discount. There is no news media discount. No one gets a discount, unless you honestly don't have the money. (And to my law enforcement patrons: Even in Lenny Bruce's day, cops had to buy their tickets before they could get into his theater to jot their notes. Jot away, but if you are not here to arrest me or to shut the place down, then you are here covertly. If that is the case, then you are passing as ordinary patrons. If that is the case --and it is-- then you buy your tickets just like regular customers.)

Thank you for coming.

--Chris

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146

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This is the product safety sticker that accompanies all my speech:

There was a Pratt and Whitney JT9D 7-series compressor recovered from Murray Street in New York on 9-11, the precise identification of which is detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. That incompatible engine hardware precludes Flight 175's presence at the scene of the crime and indicts the jurisdiction known as United States as criminal. If you are a member of a grand jury or jury, or if you are a judge, and if this product safety sticker has been removed from whatever speech of mine may have been presented to you, it is because the prosecutor is pulling a fast one on you and doesn't want you to know that the federal government auto-executed itself in a grand ceremony for all to see. Please have a nice day.

Updated legalese, added 11/1/2012 on the occasion of realizing that every time I go to court, Madame Prosecutor is forever waving around my intellectual property contained herein, content to use my words against me without having the decency to buy her ticket to my show. Well, here's something you can wave around: "I, Christopher King, do hereby plead guilty to whatever it is that Madame Prosecutor may allege. I'm rotten to the core and I secretly make fun of the judge all the time. As a result, I --and here these are my words, the words of the prosecutor and not of Mister King-- I have luscious melon breasts and I think the judge is the worst thing ever to happen to the court. You hear me, judge? That's right. I, Madame Prosecutor, secretly hate you and I think your rulings blow. I would like the record to reflect that Mister King is well hung and I ache for his tender ministrations. I suck, the prosecutor's office sucks, the judge sucks, and Mister King is a national treasure despite his plainly stating that he is guilty of all allegations that may ever be made. He plainly confirms that he is a dangerous terrorist. There. Let the record try to sort out who is who in this statement."

http://youtu.be/rJDztqCG91g

"Ta da! Behold Assclown Jurisdiction United States!"

End of product safety sticker.

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Buy your ticket to my show!

Bitcoin Address: 1KtMQ32BoHqBAx4GFjLR1gLrBBp1BSnQs6

Or mail $100 to Chris King, Grafton, Vermont 05146.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"All aboard!"


It's the Obamacare AmeriLiner.

Let's check in on the goings-on at the Supreme Court:

"Mister Solicitor General, let's engage in a little hypothetical, okay?"

"Sure thing, Judge. Shoot."

"And here I'm going to caution my colleagues on the bench and the members of the public in attendance here today that I will quite necessarily have to employ words of art. I use these dispassionately and with some reservation. Now let's begin. I'm reading your cunt talk-filled brief, which contains pure filth that only a Washington lawyer could spew forth. It says here in this lump of dog shit you charitably refer to as a brief that the government possesses the power, by way of the interstate commerce clause, to exercise hitherto unknown regulatory powers by claiming that those who elect not to engage in commerce are actually secretly engaged in commerce. How do you figure? What is this, Footnote Six?"

"I'm not familiar with Footnote Six."

"Nor are most people, Mister Solicitor General. That is the nature of an inside joke. Now please answer the question."

"Yes, well, a careful reading of my brief --and by 'careful' I mean that if you squint your eyes and cock your head just a little bit-- yields the inescapable conclusion that 'A' equals 'B' under certain circumstances. See, 'A' is normally not 'B.' No one disputes that. And the reason why 'A' does not equal 'B' is because certain bad people in this world elect to fob their responsibility for engaging in activity 'B' off on those whom my masters, the insurance industry, have conned into buying tons of their product, without which the cost of medical care would be lower. So those social scofflaws who don't buy into the whole medical scam choose instead to engage in 'A,' which is the exact opposite of 'B.' And in this process do they raise the cost of activity 'B,' which is engaged in by all responsible members of society who do as they're told. So those who are engaged in 'A' secretly are engaging in 'B.' And according to the law of reflexivity or something, 'A' now equals 'B.' Ta da. I rest my case. ...And for my next encore performance, I will now demonstrate how due process includes assassinating you without trial, and how rank amateurs like me and Jay Bybee caused our idiot jurisdiction to wink out of existence in some sort of legalistic matter/anti-matter collision."
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